dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
