Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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