Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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