Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
You need Xanax blowdarts
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
