What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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