new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
You are the jesus of drinking
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
