Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Randomize
