there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
