He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
