I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
