just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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