The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
