I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
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He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
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You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.