Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...