I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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