felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
It's never too late to be topless.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
