My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
