i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
im holly from the hills drunk
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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