did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
