If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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