Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Randomize
