Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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