booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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