I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
