I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
