I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
