I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Randomize
