Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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