girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
