Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Randomize
