I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
