Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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