i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
