it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
