a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
