I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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