We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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