I wanna bring you to show and tell
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
