Got a toothbrush?
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"