"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?