My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
