whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
