I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
