I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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