I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
