He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
