Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
