we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
It's never too late to be topless.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
