I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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