My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
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I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
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I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize