went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Randomize
