Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
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I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
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I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
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