My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
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