I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
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