dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
