I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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