i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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