Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
