fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Randomize
